I love the beach, it’s my happy place. But when I took him there, he whined about the sand like a little bitch.

—A

Aftermath: We stayed together for 4 years & he continued to be Debbie Downer. After we broke up, I watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory for the first time since 3rd grade & realized he strongly resembled an Oompa-Loompa.

We ended out fooling around in his bedroom, but he couldn’t quite complete the deed. I let that go, content to lay on the bed, talking, and the next thing he says is, “I think I want to marry a nice Persian girl.” I am as far from Persian as you can get. Then he proudly declares he has the butt of a black man. “Where do you keep it?” I thought.

—BaltOhNo

Aftermath: I saw him a few times, usually last-minute, spontaneous. Suddenly I realized I was a booty call (duh). I stopped answering, he stopped calling. He never did get it up.

My boyfriend of nine years told me he would never leave me because, “As hard as this relationship is, it would be harder to start over with someone else.”

—Tofu

Aftermath: I stayed for another year before realizing what an ass he was.

He came to pick me up for the first date, took one sweeping look around my apartment, went to my bedroom, took off his pants, and got into my bed. He didn’t even ask how my day was. Or take off his shoes.

—Natalie

Aftermath: It took five minutes and a threat with my Louisville anti-theft device to convince him I wasn’t interested.

He told me he didn’t own a pair of jeans. He wore athletic shorts and sweatpants all winter.

—S

Aftermath: I actually moved in with him a year later, then moved 500 miles away the year after that.