“Fork stabbing”

best of chemistry

I was staring at a fork and seriously considered stabbing myself with it to end the date.


Aftermath: He spent two hours talking about himself. He never asked me a question or expressed any interest in me except as someone who would listen to him. I made up an excuse that I needed to meet up with friends for a movie and never answered another email or phone call from Mr. Self-Centered again.


“Heated salads”


She bought a gift for herself and pretended it was from me. She also heated her salads in the microwave.


Aftermath: We dated only about a month. The gift was a bracelet that said, “Love.”




It was over when he told me about his sword collection. And he made the swords himself.


Aftermath: He would randomly try to contact me nine years later. He lives in Alaska now. I sure don’t.


“Taking Back Sunday”


I always knew my summer boyfriend was a little Emo. He loved listening to Taking Back Sunday and Coheed & Cambria a little too much if you ask me. He also had a weird obsession with his little sister. When I moved back to school that fall, he called me crying every single night. Then he would call my best friend crying and ask her why I didn’t like him anymore.


Aftermath: I got the F out of Dodge as quickly as I could. Four years later, I saw that he married a girl who looks like a combination of me and his sister. They had a cake with their faces silkscreened onto it.


“Into computers”


The relationship started on the Internet, and although I wasn’t really attracted to him, I still moved in with him. I don’t know what I was expecting. Some sex would have been nice though. It turned out he was way more into computers than he was me and we both spent our days and nights side by side, him on his machine and me on mine. I kept wishing he’d shut the games off once in a while so we could go out and do other things. But when he learned I was looking for a new place, he cried over it. I faked caring.


Aftermath: It took a few weeks to find a new flat. I saw him a few times at work later but we just ignored each other like we’d done for a year. Eight years later, he’s married with kids and I’m still single.