I love the beach, it’s my happy place. But when I took him there, he whined about the sand like a little bitch.

—A

Aftermath: We stayed together for 4 years & he continued to be Debbie Downer. After we broke up, I watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory for the first time since 3rd grade & realized he strongly resembled an Oompa-Loompa.

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