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“Monty Python”

best of weird

About two months into the relationship, we were cuddling on the couch watching “Monty Python” and he spilled a glass of ice water on me. I yelled at him for being a klutz. After drying off, I came back in the room and apologized. He forgave me, and gave me a comforting hug. A few minutes later, when I pointed out how sweet he was, he told me that he knew I can’t help what I say because of the chip the government has implanted in my brain.

—Atta

Aftermath: I’m an assertive girl, but assertion doesn’t work with crazies. I told him I was going to backpack Europe and left. He sent me several long emails and a few tearful voicemails, but I didn’t respond.

4
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“Take her breakfast”

quirks

She didn’t want me to come over on Friday night because her “friend” was there. Saturday morning, when I went over to take her to breakfast, she had a hickey on her neck that I didn’t put there.

—Merkin

Aftermath: I packed my things and left town. Good luck, slut!

3
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“Very well”

best of sex

We met more than a quarter of hundred years ago. We were the first sexual partners to each other. Later I realized he is a very fetishistic type, who loves the pervert sex culture a little, and the most disgusting things that make me puke. For example: To cum on women’s different body parts (ears, armpits, feet). Now, I hate him very well.

—Répa

Aftermath: We kept contact and sometimes had sex with each other, because we were still living in the same body…

5
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“Lava”

best of quirks

After walking in to my apartment and glancing at my lava lamp she asked, “Is that real lava?”

—Jeremy

Aftermath: We made out and I dumped her a week later.

4
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“Pass the oatmeal”

weird

I asked my boyfriend of two months to pass me the oatmeal in his 300 square foot studio. Bemoaning that my laziness would make him late for work, he called me a c*** while snapping my toothbrush in half, just inches from my face. After his tirade, he lay on the floor sweating and hyperventilating, which is what really made him late.

—Amy

Aftermath: We lasted two years, which was seriously skewed judgment on my part.

4
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