“Monty Python”

best of weird

About two months into the relationship, we were cuddling on the couch watching “Monty Python” and he spilled a glass of ice water on me. I yelled at him for being a klutz. After drying off, I came back in the room and apologized. He forgave me, and gave me a comforting hug. A few minutes later, when I pointed out how sweet he was, he told me that he knew I can’t help what I say because of the chip the government has implanted in my brain.


Aftermath: I’m an assertive girl, but assertion doesn’t work with crazies. I told him I was going to backpack Europe and left. He sent me several long emails and a few tearful voicemails, but I didn’t respond.

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“Take her breakfast”


She didn’t want me to come over on Friday night because her “friend” was there. Saturday morning, when I went over to take her to breakfast, she had a hickey on her neck that I didn’t put there.


Aftermath: I packed my things and left town. Good luck, slut!

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“Very well”

best of sex

We met more than a quarter of hundred years ago. We were the first sexual partners to each other. Later I realized he is a very fetishistic type, who loves the pervert sex culture a little, and the most disgusting things that make me puke. For example: To cum on women’s different body parts (ears, armpits, feet). Now, I hate him very well.


Aftermath: We kept contact and sometimes had sex with each other, because we were still living in the same body…

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best of quirks

After walking in to my apartment and glancing at my lava lamp she asked, “Is that real lava?”


Aftermath: We made out and I dumped her a week later.

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“Pass the oatmeal”


I asked my boyfriend of two months to pass me the oatmeal in his 300 square foot studio. Bemoaning that my laziness would make him late for work, he called me a c*** while snapping my toothbrush in half, just inches from my face. After his tirade, he lay on the floor sweating and hyperventilating, which is what really made him late.


Aftermath: We lasted two years, which was seriously skewed judgment on my part.

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