I looked at him and realized that I disliked him so intensely, it bordered on hatred.


Aftermath: Zero days. I kicked him out then and there.


“Steroid patient”

best of weird

He told me about a steroid patient he was treating in the ER for an infected abscess. He then told me that the patient was going to “hook him up and get him into some cool clubs” and that he took the patient’s phone number. I laughed. It was not a joke.


Aftermath: That was the last date. I dumped him via text about a week later.


“Vampire with bad aim”


One night she turned to me and said, “It’s not going to work out,” then bit me on the arm until I bled.


Aftermath: I never saw her again. I guess I was fortunate to be dating a vampire with bad aim.


“Silver Medal”

best of weird

When I asked him who his best friend was, he said his ex-girlfriend. Who lived with him. Who had left him for his other “best friend,” who also lived with him.


Aftermath: I gave it a sporting chance for about a month, but after that it wasn’t worth trying to play silver medal to his ex.


“Playstation 3”

best of weird

We had been dating 1 and 1/2 years when he told me one night that I was worth the equivalent of two Playstation 3s to him. And really meant it.


Aftermath: His friend told me later that he meant to say four. I ended it two months later, wish I would’ve done it sooner.