““Touch Base” phone call”


We had been dating long distance and in the first month, he stopped saying “I love you.” I left the country to study abroad for four months. Two weeks later, I received an e-mail saying that he felt “smothered” and “suffocated.” At this point I was 4,000 miles away, we were e-mailing every other day, and we were in an open relationship. He wanted space while I was away and said he would call to “touch base” after my return.

— Kristina

Aftermath: It was over before I finished reading the e-mail. He commented that he expected me to respond with a series of heated e-mails, so I didn’t. We still haven’t communicated. I return shortly and I think I’ll enjoy screening the “touch base” phone call.

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“Baby Talk”


We’d only been official for a few days when he started saying “ILU” and “I heart you” to me, which I just ignored. The moment I knew I couldn’t overlook it anymore was when we were cuddling and he said “I wuuuuvvv you” to me in baby talk.


Aftermath: Two days later, he came over to talk. My roomie was there but he didn’t think privacy was necessary, so I wrote out that I wanted to break up with him on an index card. We hugged silently and he left.


“Princess & the pee”

best of weird

I had a dream where I was a princess and he was a commoner. He took me away from my life cooped up in the palace and I was free, freer than ever before as we rode away on a white horse. Then we dismounted in a secluded glade, and he started peeing on my feet. No matter where I moved or how I tried to get away, he kept pissing on my feet and laughing at how upset I was getting. Things have been going downhill for a while, but I woke up with a light bulb over my head after that.


Aftermath: The end is in sight.


“Gatwick Airport…”


When I started going out with my first girlfriend, she said she had a habit of taking her boyfriends abroad for a holiday, then dumping them at Gatwick Airport to find their own way home.


Aftermath: Had a bad time on holiday. We came back from the Canary Islands; her parents picked me up and were stunned that we were still together. We split up a week later.

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I kept a gun for self-defense because we lived in a shady neighborhood. One day he asked to borrow it. I asked why, and he said, “To kill my ex-wife.”


Aftermath: I changed my locks and eventually my phone number.

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