“9 to 5”

best of secrets!

We met at a party. He was well-dressed, smart. There was dating, good sex. I asked why he didn’t work 9 to 5. He told me of his scheme that involved retail white collar theft and eBay. Then, he finally told me about prison. He gets charged in new felonies and tries to get me to testify in his case. He had his lawyer harassed me to perjure myself. Now, he writes me flowery jail letters. I read them and laugh.


Aftermath: Lasted zero days after he was arrested. He is still in jail. He tried to get his cousin to sell me his truck for bail money, but then wouldn’t sign over the title.

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“Vampire with bad aim”


One night she turned to me and said, “It’s not going to work out,” then bit me on the arm until I bled.


Aftermath: I never saw her again. I guess I was fortunate to be dating a vampire with bad aim.

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My boyfriend would regularly and gleefully make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for random homeless drug addicts but wouldn’t make me breakfast–or lunch or dinner for that matter–without a huge fight.


Aftermath: Oddly, he would get angry with me if I made myself food and didn’t share it with him. We lasted a torturous two years.

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I should have realized it was doomed when he couldn’t figure out a thermostat because it was too complicated.


Aftermath: We dragged on another year, part of which was spent a half continent apart. If we’d stayed in the same house, we’d have split by Christmas.

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“World of Warcraft, naked”


A month before our five-year anniversary, he told me he couldn’t make love to me because I’d become so fat that he couldn’t stand looking at me naked. I gained about 11 lbs, or 5 kg. Four months before that, he weighted 275lbs (125kg), so I told him he was a hypocrite. He then apologized, but started sleeping with another woman whom he met on a World of Warcraft server.


Aftermath: We lasted for another 15 days, tried to be friends for months but it always ended with him trying to sleep with me. Four months later, I met a guy who showed me what a loving relationship should look like.

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