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“ABBA and Liza”

best of secrets!

I couldn’t believe I had found a guy who shared my appreciation of ABBA and Liza Minnelli…until he told me “I’m not straight, but don’t worry, I don’t actually want to sleep with guys.”

Amy

Aftermath: He lost his beard that day. He still can’t understand why I won’t just look past his orientation.

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“Flea-infested cat”

best of clashes

She took all the money inside our joint account and left me with her flea-infested cat. I hate cats.

—Bernard

Aftermath: I had the cat neutered.

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“Pre-med rapper”

best of secrets!

My boyfriend was a self-proclaimed “rapper” and a medical student. He only wrote me one song in our whole relationship. On top of the crappy lyrics of this song, half way through it, he described how he cheated on me. He then posted this song on Facebook.

Leeann

Aftermath: It was over at that point. He said he hoped we would be friends, that our children could know each other. Why would I want my kids to know someone like that?

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“Photo album”

best of clashes

After a very dull first date, we went to his house where he pulled out photo albums and started showing me pictures of a camping trip with his ex-girlfriend. Even stranger: I was a total doppelganger for her.

Elizabeth

Aftermath: I texted to cancel our next date. He called 9 times, leaving 4 sad messages, the last of which was many minutes long, full of tears & whyyyyy, elizabeth whyyy! I played it on speakerphone for my friends.

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“Two weeks”

chemistry

After knowing each other for two weeks, he told me he loved me and thought our kids would be gorgeous. I got up and left immediately without saying a word.

—Lo

Aftermath: He called a few times after that, but I think he knew he had crossed the line.

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