My first shot at online dating was with a guy who was a sideshow performer. Despite the odd job, he was cute and polite. Then during our date he proceeded to speak in different accents, tell me about his frequent visits to “massage parlors,” and constantly pat his face with a hanky from his pocket. He also talked nonstop, especially about his failed 4-year relationship. I ignored the negative signs and invited him to a party a week later where he made joking references to me being a dog and told me to eat the dog’s food.

–Ty

Aftermath: We lived an hour apart so I didn’t have to feel obligated to see him again. I eventually began ignoring his calls. Suffice to say, I’m done with online dating.

We were listening to some Bob Dylan over breakfast. Out of nowhere he jumped up from the sofa and danced around the room whilst pulling his hair, shaking his head from side to side and shouting “Yes!!” For 3 songs solid. When I asked what he was doing, he said: “It’s how I express myself when I’m happy, and if you don’t love my dancing then you don’t love me…”

–Guys Shouldn’t Bounce

Aftermath: I ended it soon after via email. Mean, I know. But if that was his ‘happy dance’ I dread to think what being upset would do to him.

We were together for eight years. On our second wedding anniversary, he told me he was moving out and wanted a divorce. Then he asked if we could still date afterward.

—Amanda

Aftermath: The last time I voluntarily saw him was when we signed the divorce papers. Single life is hard for me, but it’s better than being married to him.

She cried, “If I can’t have you when you’re sober, then you can’t have me when you’re drunk!”  The next day, she promised never to cross the bounds of our friendship again. Needless to say, she did but I wasn’t having it and moved on.

–Allen

Aftermath: She’s back with the guy she broke up with me for, hopefully happy. I’m so happy with my new girl, who is everything I could ever want sober or otherwise.

Not only did he have a man purse (aka a ‘murse’), which I could have dealt with, but he also exclaimed he could foot the dinner bill because “this place is cheap.” And then as we parted, he pulled a jar of chunky peanut butter out of his murse, gave it to me, and told me, “It reminded me of you.”

—Missi

Aftermath: I tossed the peanut butter and never saw him or his murse again.