I got an IM that read: “i want to take a nap with you lol not in a lovey dovey way lmao.”

I prefer to be wooed in Standard English, with bonus points for AP or Chicago Style.

—anem0ne

Aftermath: I stopped responding to his messages, and explained that it was because we weren’t compatible.

While in bed, I complimented one of his (only successful) sexual moves. He told me I was “ruining his concentration.” He shushed me during sex!

—Jen

Aftermath: It was over before he was finished!

After dating for nine months, he randomly started ignoring me, and finally decided to make it official with a phone call — well, sort of. “You may have figured out I’m with your friend now…don’t throw darts at her picture.” No, I reserved all my darts for your picture, thanks.

—Laeci

Aftermath: A year later, we were friends again. The girl, on the other hand, tried to date all my boyfriends until she moved to a different state!

We had been dating long distance for a couple months when he called to tell me he had just slapped the crap out of some random woman who disagreed with something he had said. He was quite excited about it too. In a word? WOW.

—Taylor

Aftermath: I stopped answering his calls. He kept calling for 6 months using different phone numbers. Dodged a bullet there.

I woke up one morning with a text message in Spanish that I couldn’t read, so I took it to the cafe next to my apartment to have somebody translate for me. The message said, “Ricardo left and he’s never going to return.” Then I didn’t hear from him again…

—Jen

Aftermath: After a few weeks of emails from him telling me not to worry, that he would explain everything to me when he got back, I recieved a phone call from him telling me he had a girlfriend and he never wanted to talk to me again. I was devastated. He spent his last 5 pesos breaking up with me!