Having recently consummated a shiny new romance, I was cuddling on the couch with my new girlfriend. We were wrapped up in her comforter on the couch, watching TV and eating one of those giant chocolate bars. As her hands got smeared with melting chocolate, I watched in horror as she wiped her fingers on the edge of the blanket, then calmly folded over the chocolate-covered corner. I knew it wasn’t going to work right there.

—Rob

Aftermath: The relationship lasted for 6 months, off and on.

We worked together at a bar and you know how that goes: Sweaty work tensions can be relieved with sweaty play. One night after closing the place, we end up back at her studio apartment and go directly bed-wards, where things were marvelous. Afterward, as she slept, I had to use the bathroom and I noticed something very strange about her apartment. She didn’t own a single book. Not one. Not even a thriller or a bodice-ripper or a Reader’s Digest Condensed Classic. That was that.

—Will

It was over when she said, “I was talking to my therapist about you and she said…”

—AKK

Aftermath: It was over in 2 weeks.

When I was a freshman in high school, my first serious girlfriend opened me up to the wonders of make-out marathons. Although there was no actual sex, there was that (in hindsight, depressing) orgasm-through-clothing experience-but only her clothing, her orgasms. Soon, it became expected, and never reciprocated. As summer approached, she made it clear that we were going to sleep together, but I was growing physically sore and weary of our lop-sided mash sessions. I didn’t mind “waiting” and wasn’t applying pressure, but her attitude irked me. Once, just before summer break, she joked, “Well, I could always say no.” So could I. Sex was power and a game to her, and I took my piece off the board. So to speak.

—John

Aftermath: I didn’t call her much after that, and handled it very badly, dragging out the official breakup until after the summer.

I met a guy who worked at Pet Smart, and we went on a date the next Friday. We went back to my place, and I went to put on my sexy lingerie. I came out to my date simulating doggy-style sex with my dog. I proceeded to watch him slap my dog’s *ss. After I interrupted the two, he said my dog had a nice *ss.

—Andrew

Aftermath: I had to give my dog up for adoption. Unfortunately for Rover, he ended up with an adoption agency that was located in the same Pet Smart the guy worked at. The agency called me a day after giving him up, saying Rover had been adopted.