sex

 

“Three-pack-a-day voice”

manners sex

We were making out, and suddenly we had to stop. He looked over at me and said in that stupid, gruff, three-pack-a-day voice of his, “I wish we had more time—and a condom.” We had barely been dating three days.

—Lily

Aftermath: I broke up with him probably two days later. (He sucked at kissing too.)

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“What couples do”

best of sex

Less than year into our relationship I asked her why she didn’t seem to want to be around me in any way. No sex, no contact of any kind. She told me, “That’s what couples do: They stop having sex.”

—Aaron

Aftermath: She ended the conversation by summoning her dog to once again sleep in bed between us. I got jealous of that dog. Later, she cried when I tried to break up, then broke up with me when she found another boyfriend to share the rent.

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“Skimpy package”

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In all my dating experience, he was by far the sexiest man I had been with. There was a catch: Sexy as he was, this man was not—ahem—very well-endowed. Painfully not so. At first, I shrugged it off and made excuses like “Well, he is sooo hot” and “He makes me laugh and he is great to be around.” Until a month into the relationship, I wasn’t able to really “feel” him during sex. I knew then, no matter how sexy the man, I simply can’t skimp on the package for the long-term.

—Christine

Aftermath: I skipped on his skimpy package.

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“Sexual fantasy”

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I asked him what his sexual fantasy was, and he said, “Two redheads.” I’m a brunette.

—Autumn

Aftermath: He left me two months later. For a blonde.

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“Funky Skunk”

sex

One fateful night, missionary style, the condom broke within a few pumps. I reared back to put on a new one, and it hit me. The most awful smell my nose had ever experienced. This was new, and I uncontrollably went limp. She asked what happened, and too nice to say it, I told her I had an E.D. type of disorder

—Bukowski

Aftermath: I went and got an STD check, fearing she had a rare dead animal disease. I was clean, we never had sex again, and she told friends I go limp easily. Nice guys finish last!

This post was submitted by Bukowski.

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