“St. Bernard”


Things got hot and heavy after a bottle of wine, some pizza, and a couple hours of talking. We ended out in my room, on my bed. We were making out and clothing was being removed and…he licked my face.


Aftermath: He attempted to call me probably four times before he finally gave up. If I wanted a St. Bernard I’d have gone to the pound, not the personals.

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“Me likey”


I never before met up with a guy from the Internet. except on one occasion for the laugh. We built up a rapport over some time as friends and following my break-up from a two-year relationship, I was up for something a bit daring. I went to his town for the weekend, and after the first wonderful night, he suddenly became clingy and repeatedly whimpered in a babyish voice, “Me likey, me likey,” even during sex. He was 10 years my senior, and this stupid talk was the most unbearable turn off ever.


Aftermath: I stayed for the weekend as promised but when I got home I became gradually more distant and he finally took the hint, so I got off pretty lightly.

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“Off the menu”

best of sex

About 6 months into the relationship, she took a particularly hothothot sexual act off the menu. “That ship has sailed,” she said. So did I.


Aftermath: Despite the bait-and-switch, we’ve remained friends.


“To make me jealous”

sex weird

He slept with my coworker to make me jealous. It didn’t.


Aftermath: He tried to commit suicide two nights after the break-up. I stopped feeling sorry for him after the next girl broke up with him and he again tried to commit suicide. Drama queen!


“Three-pack-a-day voice”

manners sex

We were making out, and suddenly we had to stop. He looked over at me and said in that stupid, gruff, three-pack-a-day voice of his, “I wish we had more time—and a condom.” We had barely been dating three days.


Aftermath: I broke up with him probably two days later. (He sucked at kissing too.)

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