I reconnected with an old girlfriend after a few years. We went to her place one night for an “it’s great to see you again” session. Following the session I went to the bathroom, turned on the light and realized she had pets—and not the cute and cuddly ones. Hundreds of them were on the walls, in the sinks, in the refrigerator…totally disgusting. I couldn’t tell who paid the rent, her or them!


Aftermath: I never slept there or stayed longer than necessary after that and brought plastic bags to keep my clothes safe. Eventually the “sessions” became old and not worth the extra trouble.

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When sudden, unexpected, down-right startling nipple tweaks became your only idea for getting romantic. The only one.


Aftermath: About 6 months. He was once a wonderful guy; I tried multiple ways to explain that this did not work for me. Short answer: I tell you something does not work for me, and you do not care? Exit.

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“St. Bernard”


Things got hot and heavy after a bottle of wine, some pizza, and a couple hours of talking. We ended out in my room, on my bed. We were making out and clothing was being removed and…he licked my face.


Aftermath: He attempted to call me probably four times before he finally gave up. If I wanted a St. Bernard I’d have gone to the pound, not the personals.

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“Me likey”


I never before met up with a guy from the Internet. except on one occasion for the laugh. We built up a rapport over some time as friends and following my break-up from a two-year relationship, I was up for something a bit daring. I went to his town for the weekend, and after the first wonderful night, he suddenly became clingy and repeatedly whimpered in a babyish voice, “Me likey, me likey,” even during sex. He was 10 years my senior, and this stupid talk was the most unbearable turn off ever.


Aftermath: I stayed for the weekend as promised but when I got home I became gradually more distant and he finally took the hint, so I got off pretty lightly.

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“Off the menu”

best of sex

About 6 months into the relationship, she took a particularly hothothot sexual act off the menu. “That ship has sailed,” she said. So did I.


Aftermath: Despite the bait-and-switch, we’ve remained friends.