“In my friend’s Nissan”


She threw up in my friend’s Nissan a block away from her apartment. She was drunk.


Aftermath: It was over after I carried her to the door. I never saw her again, but the throw up stain is a reminder of that dreadful night.

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I was out of work and my friend was paying all the rent himself and providing food for the entire household. My girlfriend thought it would be a fantastic idea to belittle him and call him pathetic because of his hobbies (which were the same as mine).


Aftermath: Three months later, I ended it.

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“I watched in horror”

best of manners

Having recently consummated a shiny new romance, I was cuddling on the couch with my new girlfriend. We were wrapped up in her comforter on the couch, watching TV and eating one of those giant chocolate bars. As her hands got smeared with melting chocolate, I watched in horror as she wiped her fingers on the edge of the blanket, then calmly folded over the chocolate-covered corner. I knew it wasn’t going to work right there.


Aftermath: The relationship lasted for 6 months, off and on.

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“I couldn’t shake this poor boy”


After only a few weeks of dating, I agreed begrudgingly to accompany him to his best friend’s wedding, where he was Best Man. After being ignored all afternoon, I rejoiced in meeting a sweet, in-the-closet, spotty teenager who was a competitive ballroom roller skater with fabulous outfits. Too bad he rejoiced in meeting me, too. I couldn’t shake this poor boy. He literally followed me wherever I went, while my date smoked cigarettes with his friends. I finally told my date, “If you leave me alone with that kid one more time, I’m breaking up with you.”


Aftermath: That’s exactly what happened.


“Sticks and grass”


I was starting to wonder whether his stoicism and silence were a little more than just bashfulness. We went to the park to hang out for a little while, and I began attempting to provoke some sort of conversation or response from him. After some uneventful walking and non-reciprocated communication, I started stuffing sticks and grass into his pockets. I even tried throwing dirt on his head. Nothing. Not even removal of the pervading organic materials. That’s when I knew.


Aftermath: I quit seeing him totally as a result of that day.