chemistry quirks

I heard him singing “Oklahoma!” in the shower.


Aftermath: We dated another 8 months.


“Cuddle time!”


He wasn’t my conversational equal. I’d suspected as much all along: We’d talk about one or two things, come to a lull, and I’d mentally declare “cuddle time!” It was springtime, and I guess the fever had gotten to me. Anyway, I knew it was a bad sign when we were on the phone and I’d wish one of my friends would call me to rescue me from our lame conversations.


Aftermath: After an intense month of hanging out or talking every day (about jack s***, apparently), we called it quits.

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“It was creepy”


I figured out he was just agreeing with everything I said and did. It was creepy, really. Like he had no personality of his own.


Aftermath: I waited until after St. Patrick’s Day to break up with him. It was a big day for his restaurant, and I wanted to support him. Unfortunately, I got completely blotto and ended up puking in his bathroom all night. The next morning I told him we “just didn’t have anything in common” and had the best drive back to my house ever.

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“Something very strange”

best of chemistry

We worked together at a bar and you know how that goes: Sweaty work tensions can be relieved with sweaty play. One night after closing the place, we end up back at her studio apartment and go directly bed-wards, where things were marvelous. Afterward, as she slept, I had to use the bathroom and I noticed something very strange about her apartment. She didn’t own a single book. Not one. Not even a thriller or a bodice-ripper or a Reader’s Digest Condensed Classic. That was that.



“Steve Miller Band”


About a year or so into our relationship, my first significant girlfriend made me a mix tape. It was then that I learned that she really, actually, genuinely LIKED the Steve Miller Band. I probably already knew this, but the reality of this fact didn’t hit me until I got that mix tape, popped it in the boombox, and heard the opening riff to “Space Cowboy.” Had I followed my gut reaction at this exact moment, I would have dumped her for good and never talked to her again. I F***ING HATE STEVE MILLER.


Aftermath: This relationship dragged on and off tortuously for more than FOUR years.