“Kimmy Gibbler”


One night I realized that my South African boyfriends’ accent annoyed me more than Kimmy Gibbler annoyed Danny Tanner on “Full House.” He realized that I hated him and broke up with me on G-chat that night


Aftermath: My best friend de-friended him on Facebook and told him to go “stoff himself.”


“Two weeks”


After knowing each other for two weeks, he told me he loved me and thought our kids would be gorgeous. I got up and left immediately without saying a word.


Aftermath: He called a few times after that, but I think he knew he had crossed the line.

Comments Off on Two weeks



We went bowling on our second date and he hugged me and tried to kiss me after every turn (mine and his). He was constantly trying to touch me, even if it was just reaching out and touching my arm for no reason. I told him I needed space; he told me he thought he was falling for me.


Aftermath: I broke it off the next day and he cried. He still emails me to tell me about how he is doing, even though I haven’t responded in months.

Comments Off on Bowling/falling

“Reptile eyes”


I noticed her eyes looked like that of a reptile. They were dry, and completely red and glazed over, and it appeared as though she had some kind of condition with her tear ducts. It was intensely absurd and I lost all attraction to her.


Aftermath: She tried to lose her virginity to me that night but I felt bad that I wasn’t into her. We passed out and didn’t talk again after that. Whoops.

Comments Off on Reptile eyes

“Silent, again”


I knew it was over when I woke up and saw him sitting at the table in candle-light smoking a cigarette alone and silent, again. Why be there instead of touching me? Why so distant in that world of darkness and the past? He was so handsome with long brown hair, pale skin, lean body…but so filled with blood and shadows. He told me all he wanted was light and love…but I wondered then if it was true. I remember falling asleep staring at the LED red numbers of the time on the alarm clock: 3:16 a.m.


Aftermath: A few weeks later we parted dramatically. It was like raking knives through my heart, but I knew he was never really mine. Whoever or whatever he loved, it was not me.