“Final Fantasy”

best of weird

He started crying one night and told me he fell in love with a 300-pound Canadian woman he met playing Final Fantasy online.

—Grateful He Sucked

Aftermath: I broke it off then. Three months later, he begged for me to take him back. Four years later, he’s still telling friends he wants me back. Thank God I got out of it.



best of chemistry

I knew it was over when he kissed me. He had a stubby little tongue that stabbed into my mouth. It grossed me out.


Aftermath: I stuck around long enough to find out that his penis did the same thing as his tongue. When I found out he cheated on me, I felt bad for the girl who was stuck with him.


“You’re hot but…”

best of manners

About five months in to the relationship, I asked him why I hadn’t met any of his friends. He said, “Well, I think you’re hot but I think they would say ‘She’s not that attractive’.”


Aftermath: It took me another month or so before I realized I couldn’t forgive him that and broke up with him via instant message.


“Earth First”

best of chemistry

We were talking after sex one night, and she mentioned that the environmental movement was a secret government plot to keep us scared and obedient. I’m am energy efficiency consultant and activist who takes my impact on the Earth very seriously. I asked her if she knew what her statement meant for me. She responded “Well, you can’t blame me if you’re wasting your life.”


Aftermath: After coming to terms that she was dead serious, I asked her to leave. It was midnight and she lived 50 miles away, but I couldn’t stand the thought of wasting another minute of my life with her.



best of secrets!

We had a breakdown at work which could not be repaired that day, so I shut down everything and gave the whole crew an early start to the weekend. I grabbed a pizza and a movie on the way home as a nice little surprise for my wife and kids. Oh, I surprised her alright. And the guy she was with.


Aftermath: I foolishly stayed “for the kids.” Yes, it’s a nightmare, but I’ll be damned if I let my daughters grow up to be like her. I’ll leave when they are old enough. Just 3 more long years…