best-of

 

“Final Fantasy”

best of weird

He started crying one night and told me he fell in love with a 300-pound Canadian woman he met playing Final Fantasy online.

—Grateful He Sucked

Aftermath: I broke it off then. Three months later, he begged for me to take him back. Four years later, he’s still telling friends he wants me back. Thank God I got out of it.

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“Stubby”

best of chemistry

I knew it was over when he kissed me. He had a stubby little tongue that stabbed into my mouth. It grossed me out.

–Jenny

Aftermath: I stuck around long enough to find out that his penis did the same thing as his tongue. When I found out he cheated on me, I felt bad for the girl who was stuck with him.

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“You’re hot but…”

best of manners

About five months in to the relationship, I asked him why I hadn’t met any of his friends. He said, “Well, I think you’re hot but I think they would say ‘She’s not that attractive’.”

—Angela

Aftermath: It took me another month or so before I realized I couldn’t forgive him that and broke up with him via instant message.

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“Earth First”

best of chemistry

We were talking after sex one night, and she mentioned that the environmental movement was a secret government plot to keep us scared and obedient. I’m am energy efficiency consultant and activist who takes my impact on the Earth very seriously. I asked her if she knew what her statement meant for me. She responded “Well, you can’t blame me if you’re wasting your life.”

Ran3dy

Aftermath: After coming to terms that she was dead serious, I asked her to leave. It was midnight and she lived 50 miles away, but I couldn’t stand the thought of wasting another minute of my life with her.

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“Pizza”

best of secrets!

We had a breakdown at work which could not be repaired that day, so I shut down everything and gave the whole crew an early start to the weekend. I grabbed a pizza and a movie on the way home as a nice little surprise for my wife and kids. Oh, I surprised her alright. And the guy she was with.

Bob

Aftermath: I foolishly stayed “for the kids.” Yes, it’s a nightmare, but I’ll be damned if I let my daughters grow up to be like her. I’ll leave when they are old enough. Just 3 more long years…

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