best of quirks

I was at the store one day and happened to remember that my skateboarding boyfriend said he needed a new pair of shoelaces. So in an attempt to be a thoughtful girlfriend, I bought him a pair… but it was apparently the wrong kind. When I brought them over the next day, his only response was “If you can’t pay attention to the kind of shoelaces I wear, how can I expect you to understand my needs?”


Aftermath: We were together off and on for about 2 years, but it was high school so that’s pretty much an eternity.

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“Bright pink and girly”


We went to a pub on our third date, planning on meeting up with friends. They waited for us at the table while we went up to the bar. I ordered a Guinness. I had never heard of what he ordered, but the bartender came back with my beer and a glass of something bright pink and girly. I made him drink it at the bar.


Aftermath: I broke up with him the next day.

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“Too Thrifty”

best of chemistry

An unfortunate event led me to meet a hippie chick as a blind date. I was half-heartedly listening to her spout off the many ways she was thrifty as avid recycler and a freegan who rummaged through back alleys for clothing and used the Mooncup Menstrual Cup (blagh!). The world stood still for me when she said she did not use toilet paper. Instead, she used rags and washed them for reuse.


Aftermath: She sent emails, but I blew her off.

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“Knee-jerk jingoism”

best of clashes

He forced me to fly an American flag from the driver’s side window of our car after 9/11. It started falling into the street when I would accidentally open the window for air. On the day I refused to dart into traffic again to retrieve it, I think we both realized it was over.


Aftermath: I endured the knee-jerk, 9/11-induced jingoism and “patriotism” for a while. But our divorce was finalized three years later.

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He called and said, “Me and my friends are in your neighborhood, and we’re wasted! Where are you?” It was 2:00 PM.


Aftermath: The call came two weeks into the relationship. We haven’t spoken since.

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