“Princess & the pee”

best of weird

I had a dream where I was a princess and he was a commoner. He took me away from my life cooped up in the palace and I was free, freer than ever before as we rode away on a white horse. Then we dismounted in a secluded glade, and he started peeing on my feet. No matter where I moved or how I tried to get away, he kept pissing on my feet and laughing at how upset I was getting. Things have been going downhill for a while, but I woke up with a light bulb over my head after that.


Aftermath: The end is in sight.


“Gatwick Airport…”


When I started going out with my first girlfriend, she said she had a habit of taking her boyfriends abroad for a holiday, then dumping them at Gatwick Airport to find their own way home.


Aftermath: Had a bad time on holiday. We came back from the Canary Islands; her parents picked me up and were stunned that we were still together. We split up a week later.

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I kept a gun for self-defense because we lived in a shady neighborhood. One day he asked to borrow it. I asked why, and he said, “To kill my ex-wife.”


Aftermath: I changed my locks and eventually my phone number.

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I looked at him and realized that I disliked him so intensely, it bordered on hatred.


Aftermath: Zero days. I kicked him out then and there.


“Steroid patient”

best of weird

He told me about a steroid patient he was treating in the ER for an infected abscess. He then told me that the patient was going to “hook him up and get him into some cool clubs” and that he took the patient’s phone number. I laughed. It was not a joke.


Aftermath: That was the last date. I dumped him via text about a week later.

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