It Was Over When: Tales of Romantic Dead Ends » weird

Baby Talk

admin — Mon, 21 May 2012 13:00:18 +0000

We’d only been official for a few days when he started saying “ILU” and “I heart you” to me, which I just ignored. The moment I knew I couldn’t overlook it anymore was when we were cuddling and he said “I wuuuuvvv you” to me in baby talk.

—Erin

Aftermath: Two days later, he came over to talk. My roomie was there but he didn’t think privacy was necessary, so I wrote out that I wanted to break up with him on an index card. We hugged silently and he left.

Princess & the pee

admin — Thu, 10 May 2012 13:00:49 +0000

I had a dream where I was a princess and he was a commoner. He took me away from my life cooped up in the palace and I was free, freer than ever before as we rode away on a white horse. Then we dismounted in a secluded glade, and he started peeing on my feet. No matter where I moved or how I tried to get away, he kept pissing on my feet and laughing at how upset I was getting. Things have been going downhill for a while, but I woke up with a light bulb over my head after that.

—Nia

Aftermath: The end is in sight.

Gatwick Airport…

admin — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 13:00:13 +0000

When I started going out with my first girlfriend, she said she had a habit of taking her boyfriends abroad for a holiday, then dumping them at Gatwick Airport to find their own way home.

—Ashley

Aftermath: Had a bad time on holiday. We came back from the Canary Islands; her parents picked me up and were stunned that we were still together. We split up a week later.

Self-defense

admin — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 13:00:37 +0000

I kept a gun for self-defense because we lived in a shady neighborhood. One day he asked to borrow it. I asked why, and he said, “To kill my ex-wife.”

—Spiralina

Aftermath: I changed my locks and eventually my phone number.

Intensely

admin — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 13:00:50 +0000

I looked at him and realized that I disliked him so intensely, it bordered on hatred.

—Ingrid

Aftermath: Zero days. I kicked him out then and there.

Proposing

admin — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 13:00:42 +0000

Our flirtation and pseudo-relationship was over when he informed me that he fully intended on proposing to his ex-girlfriend.

—Peg

Aftermath: Whatever we had lasted approximately 10 minutes after he informed me of this over breakfast. He did indeed propose to her, but that was over within 6 months. So glad I’m rid of him.

Devil’s roses

admin — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 13:00:10 +0000

He would buy me roses, the yellow ones with the red tips. Two months later, he told me that the devil told him we were meant to be together. The roses where the devil’s pick.

—Christine

Aftermath: That night I ended it. He stalked me a few weeks. Luckily he moved and I never heard from him again.

Real estate

admin — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 13:00:13 +0000

She suggested we get married, move into my grandmother’s house, move my grandmother out, sell the house and then move into a smaller house in her city, 200 miles away. She brought this up repeatedly over a couple of months and got angrier every time I expressed any doubt about this scheme. It devolved into her calling me up at odd hours to scream and curse at me about the housing market and what a “f***ing dope” I was being.

—M

Aftermath: I couldn’t take her verbal abuse anymore, so I ended our five-year relationship via text. She left me a ton of voice mail and ended up mailing back my things — after she smashed them all into tiny bits.

Jealous peons

admin — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 13:00:34 +0000

She decided to sick one of her jealous male peons on me for missing two phone calls while I was at work. She thought I was “screwing around,” in spite of conclusive evidence to the contrary. So this guy shows up at my doorstep with a carving knife. Fantastic.

—KKC

Aftermath: One angry phone call and new pistol later…I am glad the guy was pretty weak.

Awkward

admin — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 13:00:57 +0000

After dinner and a movie, I was dropping her off at home. As I turned to look at her, I could see her getting ready for a kiss. Thinking she was out of my league, I just went for an awkward hug. She got out of the car looking perplexed.

—William

Aftermath: I never had a chance to get past the friend barrier after that.