“Off the menu”

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About 6 months into the relationship, she took a particularly hothothot sexual act off the menu. “That ship has sailed,” she said. So did I.


Aftermath: Despite the bait-and-switch, we’ve remained friends.


“To make me jealous”

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He slept with my coworker to make me jealous. It didn’t.


Aftermath: He tried to commit suicide two nights after the break-up. I stopped feeling sorry for him after the next girl broke up with him and he again tried to commit suicide. Drama queen!


“Three-pack-a-day voice”

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We were making out, and suddenly we had to stop. He looked over at me and said in that stupid, gruff, three-pack-a-day voice of his, “I wish we had more time—and a condom.” We had barely been dating three days.


Aftermath: I broke up with him probably two days later. (He sucked at kissing too.)

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“What couples do”

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Less than year into our relationship I asked her why she didn’t seem to want to be around me in any way. No sex, no contact of any kind. She told me, “That’s what couples do: They stop having sex.”


Aftermath: She ended the conversation by summoning her dog to once again sleep in bed between us. I got jealous of that dog. Later, she cried when I tried to break up, then broke up with me when she found another boyfriend to share the rent.


“Skimpy package”


In all my dating experience, he was by far the sexiest man I had been with. There was a catch: Sexy as he was, this man was not—ahem—very well-endowed. Painfully not so. At first, I shrugged it off and made excuses like “Well, he is sooo hot” and “He makes me laugh and he is great to be around.” Until a month into the relationship, I wasn’t able to really “feel” him during sex. I knew then, no matter how sexy the man, I simply can’t skimp on the package for the long-term.


Aftermath: I skipped on his skimpy package.