It Was Over When: Tales of Romantic Dead Ends » sex

Me likey

admin — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 13:00:50 +0000

I never before met up with a guy from the Internet. except on one occasion for the laugh. We built up a rapport over some time as friends and following my break-up from a two-year relationship, I was up for something a bit daring. I went to his town for the weekend, and after the first wonderful night, he suddenly became clingy and repeatedly whimpered in a babyish voice, “Me likey, me likey,” even during sex. He was 10 years my senior, and this stupid talk was the most unbearable turn off ever.

—Ruby

Aftermath: I stayed for the weekend as promised but when I got home I became gradually more distant and he finally took the hint, so I got off pretty lightly.

And you’re sure you’re straight?

admin — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 13:00:36 +0000

I asked him why he didn’t spend anywhere near as much attention to my genitals as I did his. He said because it “grossed him out” to look at, touch, and especially put his face anywhere near vulvas/vaginas. It was made for the penis, and nothing else should go there.

—M

Aftermath: We communicated a couple times via instant message the week after, but never said another word to each other ever again. Fine with me.

Mood Music/Mood Killer

admin — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 13:00:06 +0000

We were getting ready to have sex when he darted over to the computer to put on some “mood music” (his words, not mine) and got distracted by his gaming buddies on ICQ. I finally got his attention and we got down to business but every time the ICQ alert would sound, it’d completely throw him off rhythm. When we were done, he all but ran to the computer, presumably to tell all his friends what a girl was like.

—BlueCanary

Aftermath: Cheated on him a week later and ended it the next day. At least the break-up sex was good.

Do we have sex?

admin — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 13:00:15 +0000

We had been dating for a few weeks and were making out on his couch. Things were getting pretty intense and suddenly he stopped, looked at me and asked, “Now what do we do? Do we have sex? Because we can…my bedroom is right there.” I was instantly turned off. I need a man with confidence and a take—charge attitude. About five minutes later I thanked him for making things awkward and then left.

—Stella

Aftermath: After telling some friends about it I was convinced to give him a chance to redeem himself. We went out on a couple more dates but I was completely repulsed by him after that.

Off the menu

admin — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 13:00:26 +0000

About 6 months into the relationship, she took a particularly hothothot sexual act off the menu. “That ship has sailed,” she said. So did I.

—Perry

Aftermath: Despite the bait-and-switch, we’ve remained friends.

To make me jealous

admin — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 13:00:30 +0000

He slept with my coworker to make me jealous. It didn’t.

—Jalinda

Aftermath: He tried to commit suicide two nights after the break-up. I stopped feeling sorry for him after the next girl broke up with him and he again tried to commit suicide. Drama queen!

Bigfoot

admin — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:00:34 +0000

He got skunked in beer pong, a drinking game. The house rules dictated he had to run a naked lap through the woods. Seeing his naked body in the moonlight, I noticed that he looked a lot like photos of Bigfoot sightings.

—Summer

Aftermath: Long enough for me to find out that it’s true that a man loses one inch of “manhood” for every 10 pounds of extra weight.

Three-pack-a-day voice

admin — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 13:00:05 +0000

We were making out, and suddenly we had to stop. He looked over at me and said in that stupid, gruff, three-pack-a-day voice of his, “I wish we had more time—and a condom.” We had barely been dating three days.

—Lily

Aftermath: I broke up with him probably two days later. (He sucked at kissing too.)

Reconciled premarital sex

admin — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 13:00:31 +0000

She kept telling me that I needed to go to church with her. When I asked why, she said because God loves us and only wants us to love and obey him. I knew it was over when I asked her how she reconciled our premarital sex with her orthodox religiosity and she told me to shut the F up.

—Patricio

Aftermath: We broke up about a month later. The sex wasn’t that good anyway.

Teasing me with a 3-way

admin — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 13:00:13 +0000

She was always teasing me with a 3-way, with another girl. But, when she came home with her new best girlfriend, they had no interest in me.

—Ricky

Aftermath: Divorced 6 months later.