“9 to 5”

best of secrets!

We met at a party. He was well-dressed, smart. There was dating, good sex. I asked why he didn’t work 9 to 5. He told me of his scheme that involved retail white collar theft and eBay. Then, he finally told me about prison. He gets charged in new felonies and tries to get me to testify in his case. He had his lawyer harassed me to perjure myself. Now, he writes me flowery jail letters. I read them and laugh.


Aftermath: Lasted zero days after he was arrested. He is still in jail. He tried to get his cousin to sell me his truck for bail money, but then wouldn’t sign over the title.

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“Knocked up”


It was over when she got knocked up by her friend’s boyfriend.


Aftermath: Shotgun wedding, baby, divorce, another baby with another guy.

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“The Simpsons”

best of secrets!

I knew it was over when, for the fourth time in less than two months, I woke up to him attempting to hide the fact that he had yet again peed his bed. To make matters worse, it was a twin bed covered in sheets portraying “The Simpsons” and he was 33 years old!


Aftermath: Considering the fact that his cousin and best friend found out about his “habit” from my MySpace rant, it didn’t last much longer.


“Sales Director”


The CEO of a company that I worked for called to tell me that my boyfriend, an investor in the company, was having an affair with the Sales Director’s best friend.


Aftermath: I had to ride to business meetings with the Sales Director while she fielded personal calls about bridesmaids’ dresses. When things soured between the cheating couple–they divorced after six months–I endured the Sales Director’s questions about my ex’s moral character.

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“World Trade Center”

best of secrets!

He told me he was on the phone with someone in the World Trade Center during the 9/11 terrorist attacks and then saved people in a stranded subway train, and then had qualified for several Ironman Triathlons, and was in a ten-car accident, and…..


Aftermath: I tried to break up Mr. Pathological Liar without saying why. We broke up and he continued to track me for a couple of years.

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