He sprawled himself out across our bed and ate an entire box of Ho-Hos and didn’t leave anything for me but the wrappers.


Aftermath: Three or so weeks, just long enough to move out. Of course, that was really just the last straw and not the cause of the end. He was a mama’s boy, through and through. Ugh.

Comments Off on Ho-Hos

“He suggested”


After him pursuing me for a while, I finally agreeing to date him. After a few dates and sex, he suggested I lose weight and then we could decide where the relationship was going.


Aftermath: I ran into him a few times but we never dated or had sex again. He moved across the county soon after.


“Landed in my eye”


We were in my kitchen when suddenly a speck of something landed in my eye, which started watering like crazy. I rubbed it, and started moving my eyelids around trying to wash out the offending particle — all the while complaining about how it hurt. Turning toward the light, I asked him to look and see if he could find anything. He chose that most inopportune moment to grab me by my face and plant me with our first kiss: Clumsy, wet, open-mouthed.


Aftermath: We still dated for a while despite that just about everything about him annoyed me, but I cheated on him with my old hottie friend while on vacation.




My boyfriend would regularly and gleefully make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for random homeless drug addicts but wouldn’t make me breakfast–or lunch or dinner for that matter–without a huge fight.


Aftermath: Oddly, he would get angry with me if I made myself food and didn’t share it with him. We lasted a torturous two years.

Comments Off on Sandwiches



On our second date, after we went to a movie, he said, “Let’s get a 12-pack and head back to my place.” How subtle can you be?


Aftermath: That was our last date. I went back to my old boyfriend and married him.

Comments Off on Subtle