It was our first date. We were at dinner, having what I thought was a fun, laughter-filled conversation. Then there was an awkward lull. I looked down at my plate and wracked my brain for something interesting to say. For some reason, I couldn’t think of a single thing to say to this guy, not one comment or question. Then I glanced up and saw him let out a deep breath and roll his eyes.


Aftermath: We went out two more times. The conversations never flowed easily.

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“Scotsmen vs. Englishmen”


We had unsatisfying sex a few weeks in, and while snuggling afterward, he told me that he was a Scotsman, and Scottish men were better than Englishmen, because Englishmen kick their women out of bed after sex. He droned on a bit about how awesome he was because he was Scottish. I told him I was Polish and didn’t care.


Aftermath: One more date after that. I gave him another chance in the sex department, and in the middle of it, he said “I’m falling in love with you.” By the way, he still lived with his mother.

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“Cat hair”


He took me over to his house for the first time and when I sat on the bed there was kitty litter and cat hair all over it.


Aftermath: Three or four more dates. I ended it when he told me he was bi-sexual but was in love with me.

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“Away We Go”

best of chemistry

We realized that the movie “Away We Go” was too much to hold hands through because we were never going to be that in love.


Aftermath: I haven’t heard from him since he left the next morning.

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“Mix tapes full of R.E.M.”

best of chemistry

This guy was painfully shy around me, never spoke; he could only write letters and send mix tapes full of R.E.M. to express himself. He was intense, artistic, mysterious, and pretty cute—so I tried to make something work. One night, we had a drink and went for a walk. He started to talk, open up, then stumble around and fall down. Then declared that he loved me. He was so drunk, I had to carry him home and put him to bed. I guess the only way we could converse was if he was smashed.


Aftermath: We never spoke of that night. In fact, we never spoke again. Technically, we weren’t even dating, as that supposes a two way street of shared experiences—and there was nothing but awkward silence.

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