“Into computers”


The relationship started on the Internet, and although I wasn’t really attracted to him, I still moved in with him. I don’t know what I was expecting. Some sex would have been nice though. It turned out he was way more into computers than he was me and we both spent our days and nights side by side, him on his machine and me on mine. I kept wishing he’d shut the games off once in a while so we could go out and do other things. But when he learned I was looking for a new place, he cried over it. I faked caring.


Aftermath: It took a few weeks to find a new flat. I saw him a few times at work later but we just ignored each other like we’d done for a year. Eight years later, he’s married with kids and I’m still single.




He said we would be perfect for each other, in about 5 years, after I changed. Interesting how he thought I was the one who both needed to and would change.


Aftermath: It lasted about two more weeks. He needed to change, right?


“Axe Body Spray”


It was over when she told me she loved the smell of Axe Body Spray.


Aftermath: Two weeks later, she cheated on me.


“Puffy paints”

best of chemistry

He cried because he was afraid to go home to his family’s house for Christmas. His mother has a giant collection of puffy paints. His dad turned the spare bedroom into a meditation room, complete with rock garden. His siblings drew names out of a hat to see who got to put the angel on top of the tree. Terrifying. Also, one time he cried because he was afraid to go on a hike in the park.


Aftermath: I slept with his best friend. Made both of them cry. God, I’m such a bitch.


“Bright pink and girly”


We went to a pub on our third date, planning on meeting up with friends. They waited for us at the table while we went up to the bar. I ordered a Guinness. I had never heard of what he ordered, but the bartender came back with my beer and a glass of something bright pink and girly. I made him drink it at the bar.


Aftermath: I broke up with him the next day.

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