It Was Over When: Tales of Romantic Dead Ends » chemistry

Axe Body Spray

admin — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 13:00:51 +0000

It was over when she told me she loved the smell of Axe Body Spray.

—G

Aftermath: Two weeks later, she cheated on me.

Cat hair

admin — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 13:00:56 +0000

He took me over to his house for the first time and when I sat on the bed there was kitty litter and cat hair all over it.

—Amelie

Aftermath: Three or four more dates. I ended it when he told me he was bi-sexual but was in love with me.

Away We Go

admin — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 13:00:36 +0000

We realized that the movie “Away We Go” was too much to hold hands through because we were never going to be that in love.

—Ramona

Aftermath: I haven’t heard from him since he left the next morning.

Puffy paints

admin — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 13:00:04 +0000

He cried because he was afraid to go home to his family’s house for Christmas. His mother has a giant collection of puffy paints. His dad turned the spare bedroom into a meditation room, complete with rock garden. His siblings drew names out of a hat to see who got to put the angel on top of the tree. Terrifying. Also, one time he cried because he was afraid to go on a hike in the park.

—Noel

Aftermath: I slept with his best friend. Made both of them cry. God, I’m such a bitch.

Bright pink

admin — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 13:00:26 +0000

We went to a pub on our third date, planning on meeting up with friends. They waited for us at the table while we went up to the bar. I ordered a Guinness. I had never heard of what he ordered, but the bartender came back with my beer and a glass of something bright pink and girly. I made him drink it at the bar.

—Amy

Aftermath: I broke up with him the next day.

Too Thrifty

admin — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 13:00:37 +0000

An unfortunate event led me to meet a hippie chick as a blind date. I was half-heartedly listening to her spout off the many ways she was thrifty as avid recycler and a freegan who rummaged through back alleys for clothing and used the Mooncup Menstrual Cup (blagh!). The world stood still for me when she said she did not use toilet paper. Instead, she used rags and washed them for reuse.

—Joshua

Aftermath: She sent emails, but I blew her off.

Best in Show

admin — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 13:00:33 +0000

I dated this girl for about a month. Very nice, great body, a sweet girl. I was watching the TV late one night and started watching the dog show comedy “Best in Show.” My new girl looked way too much like the rich, lesbian, dog-owner lady. Way too much like her. Disturbing! That was it, that was all I would see from then on.

—Scott

Aftermath: I couldn’t even look at her anymore . I told her it was over a nicely as I could about a week later.

Boyz II Men

admin — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 13:00:34 +0000

He gave me a mix tape with some retarded Boyz II Men song on it because all girls like Boyz II Men. Then he put on “Don’t Cry” by Guns n’ Roses but apologized, on the tape, because it might be too heavy. I thought, “Does this guy does know me at all?” I think he would have spontaneously combusted if I told him I wished he put the Violent Femmes on it instead.

—Cindy

Aftermath: He went back to where he came from across the country and, thank god, things fizzled on their own.

Chemicals

admin — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 13:00:30 +0000

When after he took a shower and shaved, etc…I thought he smelled only of chemicals, and it made me puke a little.

—CC

Aftermath: We divorced 2 years later.

Mix tapes full of R.E.M.

admin — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 13:00:31 +0000

This guy was painfully shy around me, never spoke; he could only write letters and send mix tapes full of R.E.M. to express himself. He was intense, artistic, mysterious, and pretty cute—so I tried to make something work. One night, we had a drink and went for a walk. He started to talk, open up, then stumble around and fall down. Then declared that he loved me. He was so drunk, I had to carry him home and put him to bed. I guess the only way we could converse was if he was smashed.

—Sasha

Aftermath: We never spoke of that night. In fact, we never spoke again. Technically, we weren’t even dating, as that supposes a two way street of shared experiences—and there was nothing but awkward silence.