best of clashes
We were fighting one day and he drew me a graph on his whiteboard of hours spent together vs. utility derived from the relationship. He argued that us going on nice dates is just as good as him sitting on my couch playing video games for eight hours. Not only did he graph our relationship, he completely missed the concept of diminishing marginal utility. Good job, econ major.
—Peaches
Aftermath: We broke up the next morning, and were on and off for a few more months. Maybe his social sciences improved with the next girl.
best of clashes
He thought that dinosaurs were a conspiracy theory.
—Noel
Aftermath: I pretended I didn’t hear.
best of chemistry
He cried because he was afraid to go home to his family’s house for Christmas. His mother has a giant collection of puffy paints. His dad turned the spare bedroom into a meditation room, complete with rock garden. His siblings drew names out of a hat to see who got to put the angel on top of the tree. Terrifying. Also, one time he cried because he was afraid to go on a hike in the park.
—Noel
Aftermath: I slept with his best friend. Made both of them cry. God, I’m such a bitch.
best of sex
We were getting ready to have sex when he darted over to the computer to put on some “mood music” (his words, not mine) and got distracted by his gaming buddies on ICQ. I finally got his attention and we got down to business but every time the ICQ alert would sound, it’d completely throw him off rhythm. When we were done, he all but ran to the computer, presumably to tell all his friends what a girl was like.
—BlueCanary
Aftermath: Cheated on him a week later and ended it the next day. At least the break-up sex was good.
best of quirks
I was at the store one day and happened to remember that my skateboarding boyfriend said he needed a new pair of shoelaces. So in an attempt to be a thoughtful girlfriend, I bought him a pair… but it was apparently the wrong kind. When I brought them over the next day, his only response was “If you can’t pay attention to the kind of shoelaces I wear, how can I expect you to understand my needs?”
—L.
Aftermath: We were together off and on for about 2 years, but it was high school so that’s pretty much an eternity.
