best-of

 

“Buddy the Elf”

best of sex

I looked back during doggy-style sex and realized he was smiling like Buddy the Elf. Not sexy. Repulsive.

Natahley

Aftermath: I got drunk and called him on speakerphone with friends and told him the smiling-boning creeped me the F out.


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“Before Anything Happened”

best of secrets!

I found out his ex-wife, who he said was his ex-girlfriend, was actually his stepsister!

—Kristin

Aftermath: He said their parents divorced before anything happened! What a crock! That is nasty! And of course I was checked for every STD you can get checked for. I also pawned his cheap-ass ring.

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“ABCs”

best of sex

We were “study buddies” for one of our college classes. Things got hot and steamy one night, and we took it to his bedroom. I thought it was weird that he kept saying how awesome it was that he could stay hard but never cum (ever?!), though I let it go because he offered to go down on me. Then he said, “Ladies love it when I do the alphabet on them!” and proceeds to draw the alphabet with his tongue while saying “A… B… C…” Um, can we just stick “O,” please?

Nancy

Aftermath: Good thing it never started in the first place. We never talked again afterward that little primary school lesson. Plus, it turns out he had a girlfriend, so… yeah.

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“Ketchup Packet”

best of weird

He yelled at me for leaving a ketchup packet on the counter of the hotel that I had paid for. He said I was disgusting and ungrateful and lived like a pig.

—Desiree

Aftermath: I stayed with him to be in his sister’s wedding the next month but a week after that we parted ways.


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“Homemade”

best of sex

This guy and I hooked up semi-regularly. We were thoroughly intoxicated one night and went back to his place. We were laying in bed, taking clothes off, when I realized he’d turned on the TV. I look over at the screen to see him laying naked on the same bed we were  in with some other girl. I sort of slurred something about it being awkward, so he turned it off, and I had sex with him anyway. I was drunk and he was there –what can I say?

That Girl

Aftermath: A mutual friend called while he was walking me out the next morning. I answered and said “He made me watch homemade porn!!” He looked at me and said, “Umm…I’m standing right next to you…”

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