“Puffy paints”

best of chemistry

He cried because he was afraid to go home to his family’s house for Christmas. His mother has a giant collection of puffy paints. His dad turned the spare bedroom into a meditation room, complete with rock garden. His siblings drew names out of a hat to see who got to put the angel on top of the tree. Terrifying. Also, one time he cried because he was afraid to go on a hike in the park.


Aftermath: I slept with his best friend. Made both of them cry. God, I’m such a bitch.


“Mood Music/Mood Killer”

best of sex

We were getting ready to have sex when he darted over to the computer to put on some “mood music” (his words, not mine) and got distracted by his gaming buddies on ICQ. I finally got his attention and we got down to business but every time the ICQ alert would sound, it’d completely throw him off rhythm. When we were done, he all but ran to the computer, presumably to tell all his friends what a girl was like.


Aftermath: Cheated on him a week later and ended it the next day. At least the break-up sex was good.



best of quirks

I was at the store one day and happened to remember that my skateboarding boyfriend said he needed a new pair of shoelaces. So in an attempt to be a thoughtful girlfriend, I bought him a pair… but it was apparently the wrong kind. When I brought them over the next day, his only response was “If you can’t pay attention to the kind of shoelaces I wear, how can I expect you to understand my needs?”


Aftermath: We were together off and on for about 2 years, but it was high school so that’s pretty much an eternity.


“Too Thrifty”

best of chemistry

An unfortunate event led me to meet a hippie chick as a blind date. I was half-heartedly listening to her spout off the many ways she was thrifty as avid recycler and a freegan who rummaged through back alleys for clothing and used the Mooncup Menstrual Cup (blagh!). The world stood still for me when she said she did not use toilet paper. Instead, she used rags and washed them for reuse.


Aftermath: She sent emails, but I blew her off.


“Knee-jerk jingoism”

best of clashes

He forced me to fly an American flag from the driver’s side window of our car after 9/11. It started falling into the street when I would accidentally open the window for air. On the day I refused to dart into traffic again to retrieve it, I think we both realized it was over.


Aftermath: I endured the knee-jerk, 9/11-induced jingoism and “patriotism” for a while. But our divorce was finalized three years later.