“Watch the dress, Buddy”

best of sex

He tried to give me a golden shower in a parking lot after my uncle’s wedding, while I was still in a pretty dress.


Aftermath: I left him in Michigan to find his own way home, back to Indiana. The day after, it was over.


“Another State”

best of secrets!

I found out that he had a girlfriend in another state, a baby on the way (by another girl) and he hocked my ring.


Aftermath: Mere hours


“Scalpel fights”

best of secrets!

We stopped hanging out as much, because “people were after him” and he was getting in fights. I was suspicious because his injuries always seemed to look too neat. I discovered a few days later that he was cheating on me and cutting himself with a scalpel to simulate wounds from fighting.


Aftermath: That was it. I couldn’t stay with a guy who would rather injure himself than man up.


““Real money””

best of chemistry

I asked him what he wanted to be doing in five years. He said “still driving a truck and finally be making real money at $15.00 per hour.” He had already been working there for five years and had started the job at $13.00 per hour.

—Ma Shell

Aftermath: We lasted two weeks after that. And the clincher? It ended when I had to give him a pen so he could sign my birthday card.


“Black Enough”

best of weird

I was having sex with a tall giant, she was 2 feet taller than me. I thought there could possibly be a relationship, but I was wrong. I was not black enough for her. F myself. I am the sexiest motherf****r that ever walked the planet. I can get any girl I want. That is for damned sure. Apparently, the rope and bombs were too hardcore for her. As I look back on the relationship, I am glad I did not care too much about it. I mean, she lived in a dream!!!


Aftermath: Stood her up seven times. She finally got the hint!