“Bright Orange”

best of chemistry

I met this guy while drunk, kissed him and made plans to meet him the next day. When I saw him the next day, he was wearing Oakley sunglasses with bright orange lenses and jeans that were too short and too tight.


Aftermath: He left town right after we met again. Though I told him I would look him up again, we only exchanged awkward instant messages afterward.


“Watch the dress, Buddy”

best of sex

He tried to give me a golden shower in a parking lot after my uncle’s wedding, while I was still in a pretty dress.


Aftermath: I left him in Michigan to find his own way home, back to Indiana. The day after, it was over.


“Another State”

best of secrets!

I found out that he had a girlfriend in another state, a baby on the way (by another girl) and he hocked my ring.


Aftermath: Mere hours


“Scalpel fights”

best of secrets!

We stopped hanging out as much, because “people were after him” and he was getting in fights. I was suspicious because his injuries always seemed to look too neat. I discovered a few days later that he was cheating on me and cutting himself with a scalpel to simulate wounds from fighting.


Aftermath: That was it. I couldn’t stay with a guy who would rather injure himself than man up.


““Real money””

best of chemistry

I asked him what he wanted to be doing in five years. He said “still driving a truck and finally be making real money at $15.00 per hour.” He had already been working there for five years and had started the job at $13.00 per hour.

—Ma Shell

Aftermath: We lasted two weeks after that. And the clincher? It ended when I had to give him a pen so he could sign my birthday card.