It Was Over When: Tales of Romantic Dead Ends » best of

Lava

admin — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 13:00:00 +0000

After walking in to my apartment and glancing at my lava lamp she asked, “Is that real lava?”

—Jeremy

Aftermath: We made out and I dumped her a week later.

Walmart

admin — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 13:00:16 +0000

We’d been dating about four months, when, during a phone call, she told me that she considered the town I was living in (pop. 7,000) “too big of a city for her” and she wouldn’t live any place “that big” — and her goal in life was to retire from Walmart. I responded along the lines of “You’re joking right?” She hung up on me, and then wouldn’t answer the phone. When I stopped by her house, her mother answered the door saying, “She don’t wanna talk to you, you’ve upset her…”

—Doug

Aftermath: I never saw her face-to-face again, recovered the few items I left at her place and only look back to laugh at how happy I am that I’ve moved on.

Make-A-Wish

admin — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 13:00:31 +0000

He pretended to be the father of terminally ill child to get a free vacation to Disney World out of the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

—Bobby

Aftermath: It lasted a week while I figured out the best way to break up with him without him wanting to ruin my life with harassment.

The Tudors

admin — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 13:00:44 +0000

He had just moved in with me about a month prior and one day while sitting on the couch together watching “The Tudors” on TV, I noticed he was picking at his toes. A few minutes later, I noticed that he was holding something between his thumb and index finger. Before I knew it, he had put the mystery piece in his mouth and about a minute later I heard a crunch sound. “Are you eating your toenail?” I asked. He looked embarrassed when he said, “Yes, it’s a nervous habit of mine.”

—Bethany

Aftermath: We are actually still living together, but not for much longer.

I am warrior

admin — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 13:00:10 +0000

I walked into his room and found swords hanging on his walls—legitimate samurai swords. When I asked him about it, he had a distant look on his face, and said “I am warrior.” Not “I am a warrior”—just “I am warrior.” Needless to say, I was frightened…and confused.

—Maddy

Aftermath: It lasted about two days after that. I gently ended it of course, after being a bit frightened for my life.

Beef jerky

admin — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 13:00:32 +0000

We had finished having sex for the first time. He jumped up out of bed and said, “I’m going to 7-11. You want me to get you some beef jerky?”

—TPoppins

Aftermath: I broke it off the next day.

9 to 5

admin — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 13:00:27 +0000

We met at a party. He was well-dressed, smart. There was dating, good sex. I asked why he didn’t work 9 to 5. He told me of his scheme that involved retail white collar theft and eBay. Then, he finally told me about prison. He gets charged in new felonies and tries to get me to testify in his case. He had his lawyer harassed me to perjure myself. Now, he writes me flowery jail letters. I read them and laugh.

—PL

Aftermath: Lasted zero days after he was arrested. He is still in jail. He tried to get his cousin to sell me his truck for bail money, but then wouldn’t sign over the title.

Silver Medal

admin — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 13:00:45 +0000

When I asked him who his best friend was, he said his ex-girlfriend. Who lived with him. Who had left him for his other “best friend,” who also lived with him.

—Anne

Aftermath: I gave it a sporting chance for about a month, but after that it wasn’t worth trying to play silver medal to his ex.

The Simpsons

admin — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 13:00:30 +0000

I knew it was over when, for the fourth time in less than two months, I woke up to him attempting to hide the fact that he had yet again peed his bed. To make matters worse, it was a twin bed covered in sheets portraying “The Simpsons” and he was 33 years old!

—V

Aftermath: Considering the fact that his cousin and best friend found out about his “habit” from my MySpace rant, it didn’t last much longer.

Away We Go

admin — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 13:00:36 +0000

We realized that the movie “Away We Go” was too much to hold hands through because we were never going to be that in love.

—Ramona

Aftermath: I haven’t heard from him since he left the next morning.