“Polyamory”
When I found out that he was cheating on me with not one but TWO other girls via a guilty e-mail from one of them. I confronted him about it. He said that he believed in “polyamory” and that “if a parent can love all of his/her children equally, why can’t that work for relationships also?”
—Anon
Aftermath: After several failed attempts to break up with him, I had to go to a therapist and ask him to see her with me. She told him that I could do better to his face and that “polyamory” was just an excuse to cheat. I told him to never talk to me again and he walked out of the room. I haven’t heard from him since and feel sorry for the trail of damaged girls he leaves behind him.
This post was submitted by Anon.
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That isn’t polyamory, that’s cheating. Cheating happens in polyamorous relationships too, and there are lots of jerks who use the term “polyamory” to disguise their general sliminess. Monogamy is not immune to liars and cheaters, and neither is polyamory, but in both cases, the liars and the cheaters are not representative of the relationship structure they are hiding behind.
Polyamory is about having OPEN and HONEST non-monogamous relationships. If you didn’t agree to that arrangement, it was not polyamorous.
Even with the open and honest part, polyamory may not be for you, but do not confuse cheating with polyamory. They are in no way related.
Your therapist has failed you and I would recommend looking for a new one. Where she has failed you is not in trying to convince you that this guy was worthwhile or that polyamory is for you, it was when she has passed along her own personal opinion about a subject that she has not personally studied and has no experience or credentials to form the basis of her opinion.
It was unprofessional of her to have passed on that personal bias and use her weight as an educated person convince you that she knew what she was talking about. I would strongly question every conclusion she’s given you in the past, knowing now that she is willing to make those judgments with no education or research behind them. That is a very dangerous application of her professional power that she has abused in your case.
If you’d like to learn more about what polyamory REALLY is, visit the following websites and I strongly suggest you at least send the first link to your therapist:
http://www.polyamory.org/~joe/polypaper.htm
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html
http://www.theinnbetween.net/poly1.html
http://sites.google.com/site/misspolymanners
(What I forgot to mention was the first link is titled “What Ever Psych Professional Should Know About Polyamory”)
Why are you getting all worked up to her? It sounds like she doesn’t care one bit about what polyamory and, if you should be preaching to anyone, it should be the guy. And I think the therapist did the right thing, however unprofessional it may have been.